Kathy, one of our helpline team takes a closer look at swearing in this blog:
Alternatives to ‘Don’t Say That’…..
We all have our own personal use of and/or tolerance of ‘bad language’. This can vary hugely from person to person, family to family, while a particular word could cause great offence in one household, it may be common place in another. Often our life experiences, culture and family expectations can all play a part in our views of swearing.
We all have unique combinations of memories, feelings and reactions which are easily stirred by others’ use of words. There is usually a distinct difference for us between words we overhear, and words directed specifically at us. Context is important and our reactions to swearing can therefore vary hugely from being oblivious, to feeling deep personal hurt or trauma.
‘Conversational swearing’ for instance, can be someone’s simple habit of using swear words instead of conversational fillers such as ‘um’ or ‘you know’. Their words are not intended to insult or cause offense but depending on the audience, they often do.
If we understand our own feelings around swearing, it is much easier to support our children as they learn to communicate.
What is our own emotional connection with swearing?
Where does our comfort zone begin and end?
What are our triggers and expectations?
Scaffolding our children’s use of language
Children experiment with sounds from a very early age. By the time they are developing recognisable language, they are already very tuned-in to the power of words, the responses and physical reactions they can evoke.
An important parenting responsibility includes guiding our children’s growing communication skills. Which words are appropriate? When it is appropriate to use them?
Some practical suggestions
- Try to consistently notice and specifically praise your children’s use of positive, kind and appropriate language.
- Aim to model the language you would like to hear from your children. Consider making swear-free conversation a family issue, not simply a parenting one. Everyone apologises or pays a fun forfeit when necessary.
- ‘Don’t say that’ to a child of any age, will usually create a battle of wills. Children immediately recognise that we are unable to stop them swearing. A parent’s attention and reaction (even if negative) can be welcomed by children and the swearing can easily escalate to become their control tactic.
- Young children often simply misspeak. Ignore this if possible or calmly suggest an alternative. (Together, invent the silliest words you can think of or try Googling ‘silly words’).
- As children develop, they often experiment, testing us with swear words they have overheard (friends/games/TV etc.) Try to remain calm and avoid shaming. Have a chat with them about…
What they think the word means?
How it could make people feel?
Your family values?
What could be said instead?
Sometimes children’s use of swear words is connected to their inability to regulate their emotions e.g. frustration, impatience. Consider encouraging them to be mindful of when this happens and where they are. Acknowledging how a child feels and helping them to recognise and understand their own feelings to find new ways of coping can make all the difference.
Older children often swear deliberately to ‘push our buttons’. Actively avoiding the urge to react and argue, protects our parenting balance. If we deliberately make the choice to stay cool and not take the behaviour personally, we can respond. We can be the parent our child needs. The swearing loses its power and space is left for connection and learning.
As with so many aspects of parenting, our response will always be so much more important than anything our children ever do, or say.
Kathy, one of our helpline team takes a closer look at swearing in this blog:
Alternatives to ‘Don’t Say That’…..
We all have our own personal use of and/or tolerance of ‘bad language’. This can vary hugely from person to person, family to family, while a particular word could cause great offence in one household, it may be common place in another. Often our life experiences, culture and family expectations can all play a part in our views of swearing.
We all have unique combinations of memories, feelings and reactions which are easily stirred by others’ use of words. There is usually a distinct difference for us between words we overhear, and words directed specifically at us. Context is important and our reactions to swearing can therefore vary hugely from being oblivious, to feeling deep personal hurt or trauma.
‘Conversational swearing’ for instance, can be someone’s simple habit of using swear words instead of conversational fillers such as ‘um’ or ‘you know’. Their words are not intended to insult or cause offense but depending on the audience, they often do.
If we understand our own feelings around swearing, it is much easier to support our children as they learn to communicate.
What is our own emotional connection with swearing?
Where does our comfort zone begin and end?
What are our triggers and expectations?
Scaffolding our children’s use of language
Children experiment with sounds from a very early age. By the time they are developing recognisable language, they are already very tuned-in to the power of words, the responses and physical reactions they can evoke.
An important parenting responsibility includes guiding our children’s growing communication skills. Which words are appropriate? When it is appropriate to use them?
Some practical suggestions
- Try to consistently notice and specifically praise your children’s use of positive, kind and appropriate language.
- Aim to model the language you would like to hear from your children. Consider making swear-free conversation a family issue, not simply a parenting one. Everyone apologises or pays a fun forfeit when necessary.
- ‘Don’t say that’ to a child of any age, will usually create a battle of wills. Children immediately recognise that we are unable to stop them swearing. A parent’s attention and reaction (even if negative) can be welcomed by children and the swearing can easily escalate to become their control tactic.
- Young children often simply misspeak. Ignore this if possible or calmly suggest an alternative. (Together, invent the silliest words you can think of or try Googling ‘silly words’).
- As children develop, they often experiment, testing us with swear words they have overheard (friends/games/TV etc.) Try to remain calm and avoid shaming. Have a chat with them about…
What they think the word means?
How it could make people feel?
Your family values?
What could be said instead?
Sometimes children’s use of swear words is connected to their inability to regulate their emotions e.g. frustration, impatience. Consider encouraging them to be mindful of when this happens and where they are. Acknowledging how a child feels and helping them to recognise and understand their own feelings to find new ways of coping can make all the difference.
Older children often swear deliberately to ‘push our buttons’. Actively avoiding the urge to react and argue, protects our parenting balance. If we deliberately make the choice to stay cool and not take the behaviour personally, we can respond. We can be the parent our child needs. The swearing loses its power and space is left for connection and learning.
As with so many aspects of parenting, our response will always be so much more important than anything our children ever do, or say.
