Blog – Neurodiversity – Difference not Deficit – Parentline NI
In this blog one of our parents Katrina, shares her personal thoughts and experiences of parenting a neurodivergent child.
I’m the parent of a neurodivergent child.
I’m a parent of two grown up children, one of them happens to be fairly neurotypical – the other, not so much! Parenting can be a challenging journey, but when you add a child with ‘additional needs’ into the mix, it can become even more complex. In a world that values perfection above all else my child has been referred to as disordered or deficient – somehow broken – this couldn’t be farther from the truth. Like each and every one of us, my child is unique and beautifully made – perfect imperfection!
Leaning into our strengths.
Looking back, I feel very blessed that the career I had chosen meant that I had knowledge and skills that my husband and me were able to put into practice on our parenting journey. I’d say for the most part we were pretty good parents, we tried to be attuned and responsive to our children’s needs and empowered them to understand and accept themselves, lean into their strengths and develop a range of self-regulation and management strategies to use when things felt tricky. We were blessed with strong family support and while there have been challenging times and we’ve made lots of mistakes along the way, both of our children are successful, confident, resilient, emotionally healthy and happy adults.
Our youngest child is ‘wired differently’.
Thankfully we recognised that our youngest was ‘wired differently’ when he was a toddler. I had lots of knowledge, skills and experience in terms of understanding and supporting children with similar profiles and every bit of that was put to good use at home! After a really positive pre-school experience (where staff did flag some issues), it became clear that he was struggling to navigate the demands of school in the ‘normal’ way. We knew that something was different about our child and in his P2 year, we like many other families sought advice from professionals and progressed assessments.
Labels and stereotypes.
Like many other parents, we’ve struggled with our son being ‘labelled’ in terms of all of the misconceptions and stereotypes, but in reality – he had been labelled many times anyway; distracted, disruptive, impulsive, outspoken, underachieving we’ve heard it all – school reports and parents meetings were interesting to say the least, and so when he received formal diagnoses at age 14 of ADHD, DCD and Sensory Processing Difficulties (almost 10 years after we had flagged his issues – and a whole other blog) we were relieved that this might bring understanding, empathy and support from the adults around him at school and in some ways it did, but we were relieved to see him leave school to progress a career that actually interested him!
Diagnosis is bittersweet.
On the upside having the diagnosis meant that we were able to help our then teen to understand himself better and to look at his difficulties and challenges with kinder eyes, as by then he too had begun to feel like he was lacking or less than, even stupid.
I still struggle with the words used to describe my child’s profile – disorder and deficit really grind my gears, there is such a focus on the challenges, difficulties or negatives and little celebration of the unique strengths, talents and gifts that come as part of the package and that my child has in abundance.
My son has never been flawed nor defective.
I refuse to see my child’s difficulties as a disorder or a hindrance. Instead, they are beautiful and integral parts of his personality. While he may struggle with paying attention (mostly to things that aren’t interesting to him!) he also has a contagious energy and enthusiasm, and he lights up a room. He may have trouble being organised, following instructions or completing tasks, but he also has a creative and out-of-the-box thinking style that brings a unique perspective to any situation, his quick thinking and ability to multitask also makes him a great problem solver – he’s the kind of person you need around in a crisis. He may be easily distracted but is blessed with the gift of hyperfocus and is able to notice small details that others may overlook. His heightened senses and huge capacity for empathy means that he feels things differently (earning him the title of vibe-check in our family).
A (super) man grown.
My little boy who has had to overcome so many challenges has grown into a man who is brave, resilient, and outspoken and in a world that glorifies perfection he is unapologetically and authentically himself, he has embraced his ‘deficits’ and turned them into his superpowers and it has been my pride and pleasure to have walked this journey as his parent!
I’m Katrina, a Parenting Coach, Mindset and Emotional Wellbeing Coach and Social, Behavioural, Emotional and Wellbeing Needs Specialist. I’ve been supporting children and young people and their families for over 20 years – find out more at www.destinedforgreatnessni.com
Blog – Neurodiversity – Difference not Deficit – Parentline NI
In this blog one of our parents Katrina, shares her personal thoughts and experiences of parenting a neurodivergent child.
I’m the parent of a neurodivergent child.
I’m a parent of two grown up children, one of them happens to be fairly neurotypical – the other, not so much! Parenting can be a challenging journey, but when you add a child with ‘additional needs’ into the mix, it can become even more complex. In a world that values perfection above all else my child has been referred to as disordered or deficient – somehow broken – this couldn’t be farther from the truth. Like each and every one of us, my child is unique and beautifully made – perfect imperfection!
Leaning into our strengths.
Looking back, I feel very blessed that the career I had chosen meant that I had knowledge and skills that my husband and me were able to put into practice on our parenting journey. I’d say for the most part we were pretty good parents, we tried to be attuned and responsive to our children’s needs and empowered them to understand and accept themselves, lean into their strengths and develop a range of self-regulation and management strategies to use when things felt tricky. We were blessed with strong family support and while there have been challenging times and we’ve made lots of mistakes along the way, both of our children are successful, confident, resilient, emotionally healthy and happy adults.
Our youngest child is ‘wired differently’.
Thankfully we recognised that our youngest was ‘wired differently’ when he was a toddler. I had lots of knowledge, skills and experience in terms of understanding and supporting children with similar profiles and every bit of that was put to good use at home! After a really positive pre-school experience (where staff did flag some issues), it became clear that he was struggling to navigate the demands of school in the ‘normal’ way. We knew that something was different about our child and in his P2 year, we like many other families sought advice from professionals and progressed assessments.
Labels and stereotypes.
Like many other parents, we’ve struggled with our son being ‘labelled’ in terms of all of the misconceptions and stereotypes, but in reality – he had been labelled many times anyway; distracted, disruptive, impulsive, outspoken, underachieving we’ve heard it all – school reports and parents meetings were interesting to say the least, and so when he received formal diagnoses at age 14 of ADHD, DCD and Sensory Processing Difficulties (almost 10 years after we had flagged his issues – and a whole other blog) we were relieved that this might bring understanding, empathy and support from the adults around him at school and in some ways it did, but we were relieved to see him leave school to progress a career that actually interested him!
Diagnosis is bittersweet.
On the upside having the diagnosis meant that we were able to help our then teen to understand himself better and to look at his difficulties and challenges with kinder eyes, as by then he too had begun to feel like he was lacking or less than, even stupid.
I still struggle with the words used to describe my child’s profile – disorder and deficit really grind my gears, there is such a focus on the challenges, difficulties or negatives and little celebration of the unique strengths, talents and gifts that come as part of the package and that my child has in abundance.
My son has never been flawed nor defective.
I refuse to see my child’s difficulties as a disorder or a hindrance. Instead, they are beautiful and integral parts of his personality. While he may struggle with paying attention (mostly to things that aren’t interesting to him!) he also has a contagious energy and enthusiasm, and he lights up a room. He may have trouble being organised, following instructions or completing tasks, but he also has a creative and out-of-the-box thinking style that brings a unique perspective to any situation, his quick thinking and ability to multitask also makes him a great problem solver – he’s the kind of person you need around in a crisis. He may be easily distracted but is blessed with the gift of hyperfocus and is able to notice small details that others may overlook. His heightened senses and huge capacity for empathy means that he feels things differently (earning him the title of vibe-check in our family).
A (super) man grown.
My little boy who has had to overcome so many challenges has grown into a man who is brave, resilient, and outspoken and in a world that glorifies perfection he is unapologetically and authentically himself, he has embraced his ‘deficits’ and turned them into his superpowers and it has been my pride and pleasure to have walked this journey as his parent!
I’m Katrina, a Parenting Coach, Mindset and Emotional Wellbeing Coach and Social, Behavioural, Emotional and Wellbeing Needs Specialist. I’ve been supporting children and young people and their families for over 20 years – find out more at www.destinedforgreatnessni.com
